9 Elements of Deep and Lasting Friendships

Do you remember your first best friend? I remember mine, her name was Lisa Nicholas, she moved out of state when we were 10 years old.  However, I soon had new friends.  When you’re young it’s easy to make friends, but the older we get the harder it becomes.

But no matter your age, some of our greatest blessings and joys come through our friendships. Knowing this makes me want to be a better friend and build deep and lasting friendships.

Recently I was reading 1 Samuel 18 and was struck by the friendship between David and Jonathan. This friendship is one of the greatest friendships to read about. From the friendship of David and Jonathan, we can see 9 elements of building deep and lasting friendships.

1. Unity of Spirit

In 1 Samuel 18:1 we learn, the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David.  David and Jonathan had an immediate deep and intimate bond.

A key element to building a deep and lasting friendship is to create a bond with your friends, such that your hearts are knit together.

A vital part of creating this bond is being transparent, a willingness to share your struggles openly and honestly and listen to their struggles. As you do so, your friends will know it is safe to share openly and transparently with you.

When you reach out to your friends with transparency, you show them that it is safe for them to trust you with their weaknesses and shortcomings. They know that they are safe and won’t be judged.  You build that bond and knit your souls together.

2. Love in Practical Ways

Jonathan loved David as his own soul, (see verse 3).

Do you care for your friends as you do yourself? Do you genuinely love and cherish your friendships?

To build a deep and lasting friendship you need to be there for your friends in the same way you would be there for yourself. If you have a genuine need, you are going to make sure to do all you can to have that need met. You need to think of your friends’ needs as you do your own.

Focus your friendship on what you can do for them, rather than what you can get out of the friendship.  Loving your friends means regularly praying for them, checking in on them, and encouraging them.

Show your friends you appreciate them, by giving the gift of yourself, your time, and small tokens of your love. Treat your friend to dinner every once in a while and allow them to do the same for you. Let your friends know that you love and cherish your relationship.

3. Self-Denial

Building a deep and lasting friendship requires self-denial. Verse 4 tells us that Jonathan stripped himself of the robe that was on him and gave it to David, he even gave him his armor, and his sword and his bow and his belt.

Are you willing to sacrifice and give to your friendships?  Do you give your time and possessions when your friends are in need? When your friend needs a helping hand, are you quick to act and let them know that you would be happy to help them, even if there is something else you would rather do?

It is important to be willing to give what we have to serve our friends. It doesn’t have to be a lot, it’s the simple things like answering the phone when a friend calls; celebrating the success in their lives, being truly happy for them, crying with them when they are going through trials; and encouraging them when they face challenges.

4. Loyalty

In 1 Samuel 19: 2, we learn that when Saul told Jonathan to kill David, Jonathan warned David to be on guard. Jonathan’s loyalty to David was unwavering.

Loyalty means protecting our friendship and being there for them during difficult times.  A key to deep and lasting friendships is a willingness to pull them up, give them a hand and stand by your friends when they are feeling weary from life.

It also means protecting your friends’ spiritual state, by encouraging them in the word.  Find ways to build them up when they feel others may be tearing them down. Jonathan’s loyalty was based on the fact that he delighted in his friendship with David. Make sure your friends know that you delight in them.

Jonathan’s loyalty was based on the fact that he delighted in his friendship with David. Make sure your friends know that you delight in them.

5. Speak Highly of Your Friends

In verse 4 of 1 Samuel 19, we are told that Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul, his father.

It is so important to refrain from any type of gossip concerning our friendships. If we want deep and lasting friendships we must be careful to only speak well of them. Nothing can harm a friendship quicker than gossip, or an ill spoken word.

6. Empathy

We are told that after Jonathan learned that his father sought to kill David, Jonathan was grieved for David.  The two friends kissed and wept with one another.

Life can be tough sometimes, we all go through some pretty big trials, the death of a loved one, loss of a job, struggles in their marriage, a prodigal child, and on it goes. Building a deep and lasting friendship requires you show empathy with your friends during these times.

Sometimes we need to just allow our Friends to be angry, hurt, sad or scared.  Affirm them in the emotions that they are feeling in that moment. Allow your friends to cry and simply listen to them, by doing so, you are there for your friend in a very powerful way.

7. Speak Truth

1 Samuel 23:16 tells us that Jonathan went to David and strengthened his hand in God. Deep and lasting friendships encourage each other in the Word. You need to be willing to point your friends to the Word of God, especially if they are struggling. You need to be willing to speak truth to them no matter how hard. Willingness to speak truth to them is one of the greatest acts of love you can show to your friends.

8. Unconditional

We are told that the love between David and Jonathan was extraordinary surpassing the love of a woman. The friendship between David and Jonathan was unconditional, it was not there to fill a temporary void. The friendship and love they had for one another was such that it would withstand all other relationships in their lives.

We are going to have other relationships, it would be unfair to expect one person to be able to meet all your needs. One person cannot be all things to you. We have other relationships in our life, but the state of those relationships should not determine whether you are willing to be there for your friends.

9. Kindness

We learn in 2 Samuel 9:7-8 that after Jonathan died, David repaid Jonathan’s son with kindness, he restored the land of Saul to Jonathan’s son and let him know that he would eat at his table always. Even after Jonathan was gone, David continued to show kindness to his friend, by loving his son. David treated Jonathan’s son, as he would have treated Jonathan himself.

Building deep and lasting friendships requires kindness not just to your friend, but also to the people that they love.

Building deep and lasting friendships take work, but without questions, those friendships are what make up our favorite days.

So go and make today your favorite day!